Honestly, I was getting close to ‘fuck it’ today.
I just felt sick of all this recovery stuff. At a meeting last night I was so irritated by all the Recovery Words everyone has to insert into every thought. The thought of the recovery podcasts I used to enjoy is just like, ugh. Do I seriously have to think and talk about this all. the. time?
I started getting some serious cravings last night, actually. In retrospect yeah, it was all the disease trying to stay alive. 😐 My boyfriend had talked to an old friend in the country we both lived in when we met, and talking about him brought me back to that time. It surprised me by being really triggering. Yes, there was a LOT of heavy drinking then (primarily on my part, and always instigated by me), and constant weed smoking, though I didn’t feel triggered by that. It was also, compared to SOME of the time I spent heavily drinking in that country, a really happy time because I felt loved and free and the contrast from my toxic marriage was so recent and stark.
More cravings again after work today. This time triggered I think by sheer exhaustion. I want to say I didn’t seriously consider drinking but to be real…any thought of wanting something on my part is a serious consideration of making that thing happen. I’m an expert at justifying just how much I really want it and why I deserve it and why the fuck not anyway.
So let’s say I never went so far as to consider going to a liquor store or imagining what I would drink. I just wanted to feel that oblivion and it feels like about time I deserve some oblivion, by the way. I’ve been working really hard at this recovery thing for two fucking months! 4 days a week for the first month, and 6 days a week for the past month!
When do I get a break?!?
I took myself shopping which I was also craving. I bought myself some things I wanted. Not saying this is a healthy coping technique – just trying to be honest. Besides it being highly questionable to use shopping as a coping technique it was probably also not helpful for the exhaustion I was already feeling. But I do love my new jeans 🙂
My first meeting ever was a Friday night meeting and I’ve been going every week since then, except when I’ve been out of town. I got my first 2 chips there and tonight I went to get my 2 month chip.
And it was a great meeting. I feel a lot better now, as I always do.
The topic was change. The lead was fantastic. So many helpful, useful things.
Quitting drinking is a lot of change. I’ve always liked change – or thought I did, anyway. And I have been liking this process, for the most part. I’m trying to be as open as possible to a change in my thoughts and attitudes. I’ve seen some already. Like, hearing myself say yesterday that my intention for the weekend was to go to 3 meetings. That was ME saying that and not because anyone told me I had to or because I needed to get anyone to sign off on 3 meetings, but because I like going to meetings and I know they’re good for me and an important part of recovery.
Actually, that’s not totally true. I do like going to meetings but on my own I would go to 2 meetings over the weekend. I agreed with my sponsor on a stretch goal of 3 and had also made a commitment to a new friend to meet her at a new meeting on Thursday. So it’s a combination of wanting to do it and just doing what the fuck I’m told to do because that’s what they all say works.
Anyway, whether its 2 or 3 meetings, wanting to go to meetings and even being willing to go to meetings is a huge change both in my thinking and in my attitude. I honestly never pictured that happening. I wanted so bad for there to be another way besides AA (a way without the God part, mainly). I never considered that if I actually tried it, one of the possible outcomes could be that I would like it.
The biggest shift in attitude I think I’ve seen is a willingness to not just automatically do what I want to do. Instead I am trying to do what other people recommend I do to stay sober.
So I’ve been trying to default to saying yes to things I want to say no to (meetings, calling my sponsor, texting people, more social obligations, more things on my schedule) and no to things I want to say yes to (alcohol , road rage, free airline drink tickets (grr), tons of alone time) .
And of course, the monumental change of sitting with uncomfortable feelings like cravings or stress or anger and not drinking them away instead.
Change. Turns out it’s good for ya.