I sometimes get the urge to just delete this blog. I don’t know what I want from it, really. Clearly I don’t come here that often!
I do a lot more reading of blogs than of writing, both sobriety related and not. Blogs are one of my favorite mediums, and I’ve been an avid reader for about 10 years. I rarely comment, though, and have never really broken into any blog community or made any real relationships. I am afraid of the internet – things are so easily misconstrued, people can be so hateful…I think through any comments very very carefully and even then still often second-guess myself after I’ve hit submit.
So I don’t know. But here I am, still sober and things are great. I will have 11 months on the 15th. I’m on an upswing these days, and feel like I am waking up to so many things again. Music, for one, which I had told myself for years I “wasn’t that into.” Sure, I would put a sad song on repeat, drink, and cry. But I usually chose podcasts to listen to while walking the dogs or in the car. At home I generally chose silence.
Suddenly I had the urge to listen to a few songs I used to love. I signed up for a Google Music subscription as a treat to myself (AWESOME SO WORTH IT) and have been enjoying the trip down nostalgia road. The truth is I love to sing. I’ve always been very self conscious about it and only like to sing when alone. But it feels so good to tap into that emotional place where music can take you. So good.
I’ve also been on a super creative streak. Making jewelry, practicing hand lettering, succulent potting, and decorating my house. It feels great.
Part of this I think comes because I signed up with a life coach. She had me create a vision for my life and I was stunned at the things I could dare to dream when I really allowed myself to! It opened my mind to the bigger life I could have and that has been super motivating. In Laura McKowen’s words, I am trying to keep my eyes on “the bigger yes.”
I have continued to strengthen my relationships with women in AA and it feels amazing. I have a few really solid relationships and many more that are blooming.
Life feels so full these days!
I still sometimes see my old self in parallel, what I would have done in a certain situation compared to what I am doing in that moment. A world’s difference. It feels far away, those days of drinking and smoking, though I know they’re not, really. It wouldn’t be hard to get back there. Cravings are pretty rare these days, but do still come. I still escape in other ways and am still working on that. I’ve come a long way and I have no desire to go back to where I was. I want to continue on this path, do the hard things in the name of the bigger yes, discover more new or forgotten parts of myself, and create a life I love.
And, I feel such gratitude for the life I already have, which I do love. I wake up squished between two dogs I adore and the man I love. My alarm rings and I have to extricate myself from the love pile, and though I sometimes wish I could just stay, I’m grateful to find myself there in the first place. I’m grateful to wake up with a clear head, not hating the alarm or wishing the day away. I am so, so grateful to be sober and discovering all that life has to offer.